What’s the opposite of the Kool-Aid Man? A hollowed-out cherry full of molten glass?
Well whoever he is, somebody better call him, because we’re gonna need a hearty “Oh, noooooo” to kick this review off.
I know, I know: I just shared the news about these Mystery Flavor Pop-Tarts two days ago, and here I am already reviewing them. Well, despite having a portly pantry’s worth of actual cereals awaiting review, after tasting Mister E. Pop-Tarts I knew they had to jump the queue.
See, Pop-Tarts didn’t do what Great Value Mystery Toaster Pastries did, by introducing a fruit punchy flavor so vague it could be anything from grape to grapefruit. However, Pop-Tarts also didn’t do what I hoped they would do: introduce a universally palatable, yet unique, flavor like Chocolate Hazelnut or Honey Pop-Tarts.
No, what Pop-Tarts did was bold—exceptionally so, considering how you have to blindly commit to 16 Pop-Tarts when you buy these.
What Pop-Tarts did…was totally prank us.
Enough clickbaiting: want to know what I think the mystery flavor of Mister E. Pop-Tarts is? I’ll give you a couple line breaks for spoiler protection.
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Cheez-Its. I sincerely, honestly think these are Cheez-It Pop-Tarts. From my first nostril-wrinkling whiff upon opening the foil pouch, I detected familiar notes of oily, processed cheddar. Naturally, I did an octuple-take before very nervously biting in, hoping that maybe the truth was more innocent and a cracker-hoarding Kellogg’s factory rat died on the production line by these Pop-Tarts.
But nope: vaguely sweet toasted cheesiness is infused into the very core of Mister E. Pop-Tarts. I even made some friends try a taste to make sure I wasn’t crazy, though I can’t be sure if they’ll still consider me a friend after such a fiendish mouse-bait-and-switch.
The question you may have next is,but are they any good?Nope!
Sure, for like one bite, it’s sort of a fun gimmick to taste the Pop-Tarts’ buttery biscuit crust melding with the sharp goo inside to create an overly aggressive Cheese Danish effect, but once you realize there’re still 1.5 Pop-Tarts left in your pouch—let alone your box—the novelty wears off quicker than a Lactaid pill, and you’re left with the unappetizing toaster pastry equivalent of a two day-old Little Caesars Hot-N-Ready.
Speaking of hot, the cheesiness of Mystery Flavor Pop-Tarts only becomes more obvious after you toast them—and your entire kitchen starts smelling like a bowling alley. Nor does toasting improve the flavor, instead making the smoky savoriness more obtrusive and even less sweet-balanced.
For the record, I tried one frozen, too, but the result was bland, extremely chewy, and borderline nauseating, so I don’t think I need to say much more on that front.
Ultimately, I’m not sure what Pop-Tarts was going for, here. If they were trying to come up with something so ridiculous that it’ll make tabloid headlines and tie into their ~zany~ social media personality, then, well, they succeeded and will probably get the attention they crave. But I feel like if you’re going to trick people into buying 16 gag Pop-Tarts, you should at least make them more palatable, or perhaps pair these cheddar abominations with something more agreeable, like cheesecake.
There’s also the possibility that I totally misinterpreted the taste of these, but I’m not sure what else the mystery flavor could be. If I’m being charitable, maybe I could call it Sweet Brie or Smoked Gouda, but that’s giving too much class to what is, in the end, a joke that’s hard to stomach.
(UPDATE June 2021: I’m amending my official guess a little. Though 2021 being the centennial anniversary of Cheez-Its makes my original theory seem more plausible, the official Kellogg’s page for the promotion gives very clear clues as to the true answer:
It’s Everything Bagel. I still taste more cheese than garlic or onion here, but regardless of the taste notes, Mister E. Pop-Tarts are still a senseless crime against the senses.)
The Bowl:Mister E. Flavor Pop-Tarts
The Breakdown:Oily and cheesy like a certain Kellogg’s snack cracker, these Pop-Tarts are a hot mess whose shock value aren’t worth the cost of entry. These would’ve done better around Halloween time as a tricky treat to hand out to unsuspecting neighbor kids.
The Bottom Line:1 Pop-Tart equivalent of a Kraft Single out of 10
