Chart Review 26/04/24
Taylor Swift.
I could stop it there but let's keep it going.
Guten tag to all who read this, and if you were wondering what that noise was outside your house a week ago, you may have realised it was National Record Store Day last week, an annual event where anyone who's anyone in the music industry plugs their old CDs and vinyls in an attempt to fool us all. Sometimes, of course, there's loads of new albums waiting to capitalise on this new found interest in music. Last year saw Enter Shikari pull the pants down The 1975 and Everything But The Girl as they romped to the top of the albums in classy style. Taylor Swift was involved that year. And in 2022. And now she's gone and done it again.
Yes guys, the new album from TayTay, The Tortured Poets Department, hit the shelves last week, and it may as well have been released on a Thursday given how dominant it was compared to poor old Pearl Jam and UB40. By Monday it had nearly 200,000 takers, so no matter what you think of the world's most omnipresent popstar, you can't deny she gets the job done. The 270K it sold is the highest tally for any album since all that Ed Sheeran garbage in 2017, which says a lot given I thought physical sales were dead in the water at this point. That's 12 chart-topping albums for the lass now, and it's definitely not impossible that she can set the record for most No.1 albums in the UK by the end of the decade (The Beatles lead the way with 16, if you're wondering). It also helps that the same day this album dropped, she just CASUALLY swung another 15 songs our way as part of the deluxe edition, in a move that puts everyone else to shame. Given she's virtually the 21st century Bob Dylan in the lyrical musical department (see what I did there?), critically judging this album will get me crucified by anyone I find out loves songs like Guilty As Sin?, I Can Fix Him (No Really I Can), loml, Chloe or Sam or Sophia or Marcus, and my personal fave title, Florida!!!, with Florence Welch reduced to mumbling away in the background like a lost spirit.
It's also kind of hard to judge an album with a couple dozen ballads on it, but when listening to clips of the tunes, I can confirm that none of them are as good as Shake It Off, Love Story or Cruel Summer. That's just how it is. Anyways, the singles chart has naturally bended over and supplied her with the most one-sided victory you'll see until Christmas.
First up on the running order is Fortnight, a duet with Post Malone that is clearly the highlight here, and lands her a 4th chart-topper on these shores, even though you can barely here old Post on this song. Seriously, he shouldn't have bothered. What's the point? Ah well. Grabbing 3rd place is the title track of the album, mainly serving as the latest put-down to one of her zillion ex-boyfriends, Matt Healy of The 1975 getting the chop this time out. And also failing to beat Hozier's Too Sweet is Down Bad, another classic case of "too many ballads, spoil the broth". Or however that quote goes. There may be more debuts as these songs tip into oblivion, but right now, it's Swifty's world and we're all just living in it. And I don't think next week is any easier on the eye in all honesty.
Three other new entries in the chart this week, and all from black artists with points to prove. Kind of. First up at No.14 is Drake's latest 'song', duly becoming his 93rd (NINETY-THIRD) Top 40 appearance. He felt like suddenly dropping this midweek as he got involved in the ever-growing downward spiral of backlash that is the J. Cole-Kendrick-Insert Other Rapper Here diss saga. Not his best song by a long shot, but also far, FAR from his worst. Apparently he's tried to replicate a segment of 2Pac's voice using AI, and it's all gone horribly wrong for everyone involved. Having listened to Push Ups, I can officially confirm that I have no idea what he's on about. Maybe it's just me, I s'pose.
Two places below him is a climb of twenty-five for Collins Obinna Chibueze, or Shaboozey to the average guy, who clearly saw how famous Lil Nas X got by mixing country with pop and causing a backlash with it and thought, "Yeah I'll try that". His third album arrives at the end of the month, and it's hailed by this tune going absolutely BONKERS on the social sites, as A Bar Song (Tipsy) pulls a blinder after narrowly missing out at 41 last week. It's also far better than the country genre has any right to be nowadays, which is quite a sight until you realise that Beyoncé exists. Shaboozey can actually be found on Cowboy Carter on a couple of songs, so he is clearly hot product right now. Expect loads of success from this guy in the future. Or you know, he'll probably end up like all the other 1-hit wonders. It's hard to tell anymore.
Elsewhere, and the three new hits from last week's ladies have taken some interesting moves. Sabrina Carpenter is now officially an actual successful lady in the business, Espresso climbing a place and proving everybody wrong. Including me. Illusion by Dua Lipa drops ten places, a disappointing sight until you actually listen to the song, and then it becomes all to obvious that it's just sorta mid. Oh, and Perrie from Little Mix has fallen to 31. Surprised? You better not be. Anyways, the other new hit is Headie One's first appearance since his collab album with K-Trap in October, as Cry No More starts it's journey at 33. It's a bit of a flop though, given Martin's Sofa was Top 10 barely a year ago, and the fact that Stormzy guests on this song is extra evidence that he could've done better overall. Hey man, at least you're not a member of a group who duetted with Big Mike in 2017.
You can figure out the reference to that joke, right?
The likes of Blur, David Bowie, Black Sabbath and Orbital can all be found on this wacky album chart, as last week's winners James plummet to 74. Which is just your average drop nowadays. Back to the singles, and Pozer follows up Kitchen Stove with Malicious Intentions, and his debut at 41 indicates he clearly has some support, meanwhile Training Season and Whatever have been injected with ACR-itis as they evaporate from the best-sellers faster than my dignity. And that says a lot, given I don't have any. Irish band Fontaines D.C. finally experience Top 100 success with Starbuster entering at 62, Latin fever strikes again with Pedro going in at 67 by three people I don't give one about, AJ Tracey stiffs at 69th position, while Yeat, Teddy Swims, Chappell Roan and Zerb all break through into the charts with songs of various quality. I'm not sure if any of them are Top 40 worthy, but you never know in this day and age. For all we know, 's PartyRock Anthem could be here next time out.
Speaking of which, next week is a lil' dead. Young T & Bugsey make their grand return to no one's approval, Cat Burns still can't win anyone over that hasn't heard Go, Mabel exits her hiatus and she's still pretty boring, Aitch is back, AGAIN, and the world holds it's breath to see if Mercury Prize winners Ezra Collective can do anything next week with new single Ajala. Just to prove if jazz can actually stand a chance outside of magazine no one reads. And the albums will see a battle between Justice, St. Vincent, Jess Glynne, The Zutons and the Pet Shop Boys as they try and dislodge Taylor Swift from her eternal throne. And yes, none of them will do anyting in the charts. It's just written in the stars, alright?
SEE YOU NEXT WEEK. BYE.
(P.S. Summer by Calvin Harris is 10 years old today. Feel old yet? He hasn't sung a single word since releasing that song, and I'm in utter fits that he still hasn't put out another song like Ready For The Weekend or Acceptable In The 80s. The things I would do for one of those again.)
