Funny Wedding Quotes: 64 Hilarious Marriage Sayings (2022)

A good addition to a wedding or anniversary card is a funny quote or one liner. They can put a smile on the recipients face and make something formal seem much less so. So use these funny wedding quotes in your card to friends, family, wife or husband and see them laugh until they cry.

Funny Marriage Quotes


Being married is like having a best friend who doesn’t remember anything you say.


In life we should always keep our eyes wide open. However, after marriage it‘s better to close them at times!

In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which is still very much practiced.
~Helen Rowland

Everyone is born equal in life, until they get married.
~Anonymous

No, please don’t eat me. I have a wife and kids, eat them.
~Homer Simpson

Marriage is a wonderful institution… but who wants to live in an institution?
~Groucho Marx

Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.
~Benjamin Franklin

I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
~Rita Rudner

My wife told me the other day that I don’t take her to expensive places any more, so I took her to the gas station.
~Anonymous

When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s mad.
~Helen Rowland

Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.
~Ogden Nash

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
~Anonymous

Make love and not war. Or, find someone, marry them And you can do both!
~Anonymous

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Marriage is grand. Divorce, 200 grand.
~Anonymous


“Before you got married, you were madly in love with each other. Now you will be mad at each other as well.”


“Before marrying someone, you should first make them use a computer with slow internet, just to see who they really are.”

When you meet the right woman she will sink into your arms, then your arms in her sink.
~P. Hopper

SEE MORE: Funny Wedding Card Messages, Wishes and Quotes

Funny Wedding Quotes from Movies

Some of the most famous films have great lines and quotes about marriage and weddings. These are just a few of our favourites that are perfect for using in a wedding toast or card message.


“Marriage is punishment for shoplifting in some countries.” ~ Wayne’s World


“Did you know that the institution of marriage was created when the average person lived to the age of 30?” ~ The Last Kiss


“We both said, ‘I do!’ and we haven’t agreed on a single thing since.” ~ So I Married an Axe Murderer


“Be excellent to each other.” ~ Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure


“Marriages don’t work when one partner is happy and the other is miserable. Marriage is about both people being equally miserable.” ~ Forget Paris


“Life after death is as improbable as sex after marriage.” ~ Clue


“We were perfectly happy until we decided to live happily ever after.” ~ Sex and the City


“Husbands are like wine, they take a long time to mature.” ~ Letters to Juliet


“Marriage is like a tense, unfunny, version of “Everybody Loves Raymond”, only it doesn’t last twenty-two minutes. It last forever.” ~ Knocked Up


“A wedding is like a funeral, but with musicians.” ~ Mobsters

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“I’d do anything to save my marriage but I just haven’t got the time.” ~ Sex and the Single Girl


“If you are ever with a girl that is too good for you – marry her.” ~ Valentine’s Day


“A man doesn’t know what happiness is until he’s married. By then it’s too late.” ~ The Joker is Wild


“Marriage is the Jack Kevorkian of romance.” ~ The Story of Us


“(To marry again) is the victory of optimism over experience.” ~ The Private Life of Henry VIII

SEE MORE: Funny Wedding Anniversary Quotes

Funny Marriage Quotes for Newlyweds

Newlyweds don’t know what they’ve let themselves in for! For a just married couple these quotes are the ideal way to show them the years of pain and torture they’ve signed up for!


“Never go to bed angry. Stay up and fight all night.”


Always remember the three words, “Let’s go out.”


“The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.” ~ Ann Bancroft


“You don’t need to be on the same wavelength to succeed in marriage. You just need to be able to ride each other’s waves” ~ Toni Sciarra Poynter


“Marriage is all about give and take. You give him something to eat and you take some time to yourself”


Two golden rules to a happy marriage: 1. The wife is always right. 2. When you feel she is wrong slap yourself and read rule no. 1 again.


Married Life is so easy, it’s just like a walk in the park. But the problem is that the park is..’Jurassic Park!’


“Marriage marks the end of a love story and the start of a wrestling match.”

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Welcome to the dangerous world of married life. It‘s too late to repent! Have an amazing journey!

SEE MORE: 130 Wedding Anniversary Quotes to Say ‘I Love You’

Funny Husband Quotes

Husbands are often the butt of their wives jokes, so there’s no shortage of funny quotes about them. If you’re looking for a witty or hilarious quote to lampoon a husband then look no further.

“You know, there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time – Husband!”
~Bill Maher

In our marriage everything is 50/50. I cook, he eats. I wash, we wears. I shop, he pays!
~Anonymous

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
~Maryon Pearson


“Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband.”


“I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.” ~ Rita Rudner


“My husband thinks I’m crazy, however he’s the one who married me.”


A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished. ~ Zsa Zsa Gabor


“Husbands are the best people to share your secrets with. They’ll never tell anyone because they aren’t even listening.”


“Marriage is just a fancy word for adopting an overgrown male child who cannot be handled by his parents anymore..”

SEE MORE: Wedding Quotes: 101 of the Best Quotes for the Wedding Day

Funny Quotes about Wives

Wives are often seen as the one putting up with all the husbands nonsense in marriage. But these funny wife quotes shine a light in the hilarious escapees the fairer sex get up to in marriage.

Marriage is give and take. You’d better give it to her or she’ll take it anyway.
~Joey Adams

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If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman; she will be all ears.
~Sigmund Freud


“A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.” ~ Michel de Montaigne


Listening to wife is like reading the terms & conditions of website. You understand nothing, but still you say: “I Agree!”


“Never laugh at your wife’s choices, you are one of them; Never be proud of your choices, your wife is one of them.”


“They say when a man holds a woman’s hand before marriage, it is love; After marriage, it is self defense.”


Marriage is a workshop – where the husband works & wife shops


“Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not.”


“If at first you don’t succeed.. try doing it the way your wife told you!”

SEE MORE: Belated Wedding Messages

Funny Positive Marriage Quotes

Amid all the jokes and Jones at husbands and wives it’s easy to forget that marriage is pretty awesome. So use these positive marriage quotes to celebrate the good in getting married.


A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, and always with the same person.


Love is blind. But marriage restores its sight.


A long marriage is two people trying to dance a duet and two solos at the same time.


Don’t marry someone you can live with, marry the person who you cannot live without.


A good marriage is like a casserole, only those responsible for it really know ‘What goes in it’.

FAQs

What is a good marriage quote? ›

Marriage is the most natural state of man, and the state in which you will find solid happiness.” – Benjamin Frank. “The difference between an ordinary marriage and an extraordinary marriage is in giving just a little extra every day, as often as possible, for as long as we both shall live.” – Fawn Weaver.

What is marriage caption? ›

Wedding Captions for the Married Couple
  • Now we can hang out forever!
  • It was love at first swipe.
  • He stole my heart so I'm taking his last name.
  • All of my smiles start with you.
  • He liked it so he put a ring on it.
  • Just married!
  • All you need is love.
  • You're my person, forever.
2 Apr 2021

What's the best marriage advice? ›

25 Pieces Of Marriage Advice From Couples Who've Been Together 25+ Years
  • Don't Look for Flaws. ...
  • Stay Intimate. ...
  • Eat Together. ...
  • Communicate Your Needs. ...
  • Show Gratitude. ...
  • Learn How to Apologize. ...
  • Choose Your Stress. ...
  • Don't Keep Score. “If you start looking at your marriage like a point system, you're never going to be happy.
26 Apr 2022

What is the best quote for love? ›

Short Love Quotes
  • “Love all, trust a few, do wrong to none.” – ...
  • “You call it madness, but I call it love.” – ...
  • “We can only learn to love by loving.” – ...
  • “A life lived in love will never be dull.” – ...
  • “Life is the flower for which love is the honey.” – ...
  • “All you need is love.” – ...
  • “True love stories never have endings.” –

What do you write in a wedding card that's not cheesy? ›

Casual Wedding Wishes
  1. Best wishes!
  2. We're/I'm so happy for you!
  3. Wishing you lots of love and happiness.
  4. Wishing you a long and happy marriage.
  5. Wishing you the best today and always.
  6. So happy to celebrate this day with you both!
  7. Best wishes for a fun-filled future together.
  8. Wishing you fulfillment of every dream!
23 Sept 2022

What to say to a couple getting married? ›

Examples
  • “Couldn't be happier for you!”
  • “Wishing you every happiness together!”
  • “Congratulations on your marriage and best wishes always!”
  • “Here's to the love that brought you together!”
  • “I knew the love you had was something special. ...
  • “I love to see two people who deserve happiness so much find it with each other.
18 Feb 2020

What is a nice verse to write in a wedding card? ›

Classic wedding card messages and quotes

May the love you share today grow stronger and stronger. You two are living proof of just how beautiful love can be. Here's to a long and happy marriage! Here's to the love you share and to the joy you bring us all!

What are wedding vibes? ›

Your Wedding Vibe

Also known as your wedding style or aesthetic, details the look or feel you want to represent on your wedding day. Your wedding vibe encompasses a variety of factors such as venue, attire, color palette, decor, and florals. It also assists your vendors with bringing your wedding day vision to life!

What makes a happy marriage? ›

There are many factors that contribute to a satisfying marriage/relationship such as; Love, Commitment, Trust, Time, Attention, Good Communication including Listening , Partnership, Tolerance, Patience, Openness, Honesty, Respect, Sharing, Consideration, Generosity, Willingness/Ability to Compromise, Constructive ...

What are the 3 important things in a marriage? ›

Marriages take work, commitment, and love, but they also need respect to be truly happy and successful. A marriage based on love and respect doesn't just happen. Both spouses have to do their part.

How often do 50 year old married couples make love? ›

31 percent of couples have sex several times a week; 28 percent of couples have sex a couple of times a month; and 8 percent of couples have sex once a month. Sadly — or so we thought — 33 percent of respondents said they rarely or never have sex.

What are hardest years of marriage? ›

The Seventh Year. If you ask couples what the hardest years of marriage are, most will talk about the seven-year itch. A study suggests that most marriages end in divorce after seven years.

What are some couple quotes? ›

Romantic Couple Captions
  • You don't marry someone you can live with — you marry someone you cannot live without.
  • You stole my heart, but I'll let you keep it.
  • Falling in love all over again.
  • Can't keep calm when I'm crazy for you.
  • My favorite love story is ours.
  • Every day I'm with you, I love you more.
21 Jul 2021

What are some cute relationship quotes? ›

Cute Relationship Quotes
  • "Let's, let's stay together." ...
  • "Having someone wonder where you are when you don't come home at night is a very old human need." ...
  • "We are most alive when we're in love." ...
  • "The simple lack of her is more to me than others' presence."

What can I write for a couple? ›

Couples Journaling Ideas for Showing Love and Appreciation
  • List the Reasons Why You Love Each Other. Do you remember the last time you looked at your boyfriend and said in your head: 'man… ...
  • Appreciation Lists. ...
  • Gratitude Lists. ...
  • Write Love Letters. ...
  • Give Compliments or Notes of Encouragement.
27 Aug 2021

What are 5 positive quotes? ›

100 Inspirational Quotes
  • "When you have a dream, you've got to grab it and never let go." ...
  • "Nothing is impossible. ...
  • "There is nothing impossible to they who will try." ...
  • "The bad news is time flies. ...
  • "Life has got all those twists and turns. ...
  • "Keep your face always toward the sunshine, and shadows will fall behind you."
4 Sept 2022

How much money do you give at a wedding? ›

“The average gift that people give for a wedding is around $100, and that stays consistent whether they're giving a physical product or a cash gift,” says Emily Forrest, director of communications for Zola, a wedding registry website.

What do you write in an older couple's wedding card? ›

May this day mark the beginning of a lifetime together. Wishing you both a happy and prosperous future. As you grow older together, may your love for one another grow stronger. Congratulations on your marriage and best wishes for a happy and fulfilling future.

How much do you put in a card for a wedding? ›

She offers these guidelines to wedding-goers wherever they might be: A distant relative or co-worker should give $75-$100; a friend or relative, $100-$125; a closer relative, up to $150.

What do you say in a wedding speech? ›

  • Start planning early. ...
  • Introduce yourself and how you know the bride and groom. ...
  • Thank hosts, guests, and wedding party; congratulate the couple. ...
  • Make it personal. ...
  • Think of 3 traits with 3 stories. ...
  • Talk about the couple. ...
  • Have a beginning, middle, and end. ...
  • Consider your audience.
29 Nov 2020

How do you end a wedding card? ›

You can say something like “You two make a winning team! Congrats!” or “Congratulations on taking this big step together!” Follow this by thanking them for inviting you to the wedding and including you in their celebration.

What do you write in a wedding card from the groom's parents? ›

Wedding Card Messages from Parents
  • “Wishing you a lifetime of love and happiness.”
  • “Your wedding day will come and go, but may your love forever grow.”
  • May your life together be as sweet as your love.
  • I'm so happy to be a witness to your wedding. ...
  • I wish for you great happiness together!
1 Apr 2015

How do you write a wedding poem? ›

Tips for Writing Wedding Poetry
  1. Use metaphor. Compare your beloved to something beautiful, touching, or meaningful to you.
  2. Don't feel constrained by rhyme or traditional metaphors. The beauty of poetry is that it can reflect you and your love. ...
  3. Write together. ...
  4. Consider including something meaningful to your partner.

What makes a happy marriage? ›

There are many factors that contribute to a satisfying marriage/relationship such as; Love, Commitment, Trust, Time, Attention, Good Communication including Listening , Partnership, Tolerance, Patience, Openness, Honesty, Respect, Sharing, Consideration, Generosity, Willingness/Ability to Compromise, Constructive ...

What to wish a couple getting married? ›

Casual Wedding Wishes
  • "Here's to a long and happy marriage!"
  • "Wishing you all of the love and happiness!"
  • "We're so happy for you!"
  • "I'm seeing a fun-filled life in your future. ...
  • "So honored to spend this happy occasion with you and your family."
  • "Wishing you the best today and beyond."
15 May 2022

What to say to a couple getting married? ›

Examples
  • “Couldn't be happier for you!”
  • “Wishing you every happiness together!”
  • “Congratulations on your marriage and best wishes always!”
  • “Here's to the love that brought you together!”
  • “I knew the love you had was something special. ...
  • “I love to see two people who deserve happiness so much find it with each other.
18 Feb 2020

What are the 5 principles of marriage? ›

5 Principles to Build a Happy and Successful Marriage
  • Always tell the truth to each other.
  • Always listen to what the other person has to say.
  • Eliminate criticism from your relationship.
  • Eliminate bracing for the victim position when arguments come up.
  • Living in thankfulness and appreciation.
  • Listen to the entire conversation.
13 Apr 2022

What are the four pillars of marriage? ›

Safety, Faithfulness, Commitment and Reliability are 4 pillars of trust every marriage needs. If any one of these is missing, the roof starts caving in and the relationship starts to deteriorate. Marriages thrive when both partners feel safe and secure.

What are the 7 stages of marriage? ›

Marriage therapist DeMaria and co-writer Harrar present a short guide to the seven stages of marriage-Passion, Realization, Rebellion, Cooperation, Reunion, Explosion and Completion-along with techniques for ""feeling happy, secure and satisfied"" in any of them.

What keeps a marriage strong? ›

Marriages take work, commitment, and love, but they also need respect to be truly happy and successful. A marriage based on love and respect doesn't just happen. Both spouses have to do their part. Below are some important keys to work on each day to make your marriage successful.

What are the 3 types of marriage? ›

ADVERTISEMENTS: On the basis of number of mates marriage may be classified into three types such as Monogamy, Polygamy and Endogamy or group marriage.

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