Submitted by admin3 on Fri, 01/22/2021 - 16:17
All of us have been involved in difficult conversations. Difficult conversations are often conversations where emotions are high, or where we feel vulnerable or unheard. There are many definitions of a difficult conversation, but the bottom line is that these are conversations which we dread having and find unpleasant.
According to Douglas Stone in his book Difficult Conversations: How To Discuss What Matters Most, difficult conversations are actually three different conversations in one:
- A “What Happened?” conversation,
- A “Feelings” conversation, and
- An “Identity” conversation
Having effective difficult conversations usually involves learning how to navigate these three different areas.
What is a “What Happened?” conversation?
Many of us are stuck trying to determine who’s right and who’s wrong when we are in an argument or difficult conversation. We make assumptions about what is true, what the other person’s intentions are, and who is to blame for the current situation. So, what is wrong with that? This: although we often believe we are correct in our assumptions, we are usually mistaken. Even in situations where we are certain we must be right, we usually have limited or incorrect information. There are usually other fact patterns that we know nothing about. Our assumptions about the others’ intentions usually do not include their point of view or perceptions of the situation.
Here are examples of “What Happened?” thinking:
- Whose story is right, and whose story is wrong? It’s either me or you. One of us is lying. -- We often forget that each person has their own perspective of the situation. While the “truth” may seem obvious to us, we forget that a different, conflicting truth may seem equally obvious to a different person.
- She meant to have this impact on me. -- We believe we know the intentions of other people because we think they must know how their actions impact us. However, others are influenced by a variety of things, only some of which are evident to us.
- This is his fault. -- When our focus is on who is right and who is wrong in a dispute, it is easy to blame the person we believe to be wrong. Blaming others, however, does not lead to problem resolution. In addition, blaming others may lead us to discount what we ourselves have done to contribute to the problem.
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NEXT POST – Changing the "What Happened" Conversation
